i am still ..
compelled into the woods, by them, danced and speaking there
a push and pull of word attempts to make myself mean something, (each time i try to tell myself who i am, i am then the contradiction of it)
the plan on paper who wants to "figure it out," and then .. knowing nothing
a word said, not maintained, the "no follow through" regrets and misgivings, the integrity treasure still looking
talking to myself
calling my parents
trying to figure out lyme disease
sometimes thinking people are nicer than they are
i am still .. here
& i no longer .. dwell.
this week's reminders and practices:
from hemingway that said something like, "you must write the next true sentence," what voice will you be for who?, so often wanting to be wrong/pitiful/right/defensive .. barriers down and heart open, what can we learn from this & what if people didn't have to like you?, ideas of truth and power may be excuses to reject and to not receive and still we experience life and it challenges us and those challenges may have once been a groove now unwinding themselves,
love isn't what i thought it is, maybe marriage isn't as bad as i once thought it was, we're all doing the best we can with what we have, what does it take to be willing to see someone else's perspective and where that perspective comes from? what are the questions we really should be asking ..
in a world of meaning and insignificance, there is something of being human, something of unlocked timelines where the information is there and yet becomes unlocked at different times and ages (especially for the experimental learner), we each seem to have our own specific grooves, our own specific puzzle that requires pieces outside ourselves and yet are we the only ones who can put it together?
this week, i remember that disease isn't something i know a lot about, it's something i experience sometimes, this week i am more aware of my own short sights, more aware of my privilege and questioning the ways that it can be used, i am aware that we all come from different places and so arrive at different conclusions, this planet hasn't always been cared for or treated well, it's sometimes easier to float away and bypass, and yet this land, the ground under has a lot to teach and share, we came here at this time for a reason someone once said, with all the systems and rules in place, so maybe the more we learn of them, the more we are able to create with them .. like the artist who knows his canvas, his paint .. this week, i am more willing to admit i don't know, to be more vulnerable, to be okay with the fact that i am still "messing up" and i might always .. this week, my barriers have dropped just a little more, and more of me is coming through, and i'm aware that doesn't make me more perfect, just more wholesome and perhaps real
this week i am still forrest, and i am still discovering what that is